I’ll let you in on a little secret: I used to be a snail. Bound to the earth, my worldview was limited, literally. It should be no surprise that I hated it. Few of us snails enjoy our miserable existence. We were always hunting different ways of freeing ourselves, but none of them worked. There remained one method that was untested, although not unattempted. Snail folklore has it that if you reach the end of a rainbow, you are granted a single wish. It took years of training in speed and agility, but finally, I was fast enough. And on one sunny but rainy day, I made my journey. Just as the rainbow was about to vanish, I touched it, that glorious slither of light. I made my wish: I wanted to be a human.
The thing I’ve been most interested in since becoming a human is drains. That’s right. Drains. Not what you’d expect, is it? But what can I say? I just find them so fascinating, the networks of pipes, so narrow and yet so effective. Occasionally on my long snail pilgrimages, I would pass a manhole and be so interested in what was inside. Since I became human, though, I still haven’t been able to work out how people fix blocked drains across Melbourne. Are there drain fairies? Pipe wizards? I haven’t yet got a human job yet, which I only just learned is a thing, so maybe I’ll become a sewage sorcerer. Whatever, I do, I would love to work with drains. They are my obsession. If a drain was in danger, I would lay down my life for it. That’s how devoted to them I am. Drains are my love and my religion.
Edit: Somebody told me that sewage sorcerers are actually called something else. So, my question, dear reader, is where can I find a good drainage contractor to teach me how to fix drains. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, even if the name sounds a bit boring. For now, I’ll just keep calling them sewage sorcerers.