That’s Not Plumbing

I guess I’m a plumber now. I don’t really know how to explain it. It was the weirdest thing. Someone on the street just came up to me and dumped a box at my feet.

“What’s all this?” I asked.

The stranger spat a piece of chewing gum out as if he was in a western movie. “Box of plumbing supplies. Cheltenham needs more plumbers. Congratulations, you’re one of them. You start right now.”

I had a highly important business meeting to attend, but I must admit, I was pulled by my curiosity. The man led me through so many backstreets that I thought he was going to just murder me. It would have been weird, but not quite as weird as being offered a plumbing job without any qualifications. Eventually, we stopped at the end of an alleyway. The man pointed at a nest of rats hiding behind a garbage bag.

“Well there you go, now plumb them!” he said.

I just blinked at him and opened up the box. Inside was a mousetrap, a bucket of paint, and about five hundred nails.

“Where did you get these?” I asked.

“At Hampton’s finest hardware store,” said the strange stranger.

I didn’t respond for about a minute. “Do you know what a plumber is?”

“Why, of course. Plumbers are those people in that video game, Ultra Maria Sisters. They walk around beating up turtles and such. I figured rats are close enough. Do plumbers not kill rats? Oh please, mister. These vermin have been bothering me for days!”

I sighed, trying to decide whether it was worth explaining the difference between a plumber and an exterminator. Eventually, I decided that it wasn’t, and walked forward with the bucket of paint. I dropped it on the garbage bag, which exploded, and the rats scattered at the destruction of their home.

“Oh, thank you. You’re the best plumber in the whole town,” the man said.

“Just doing my job,” was all I said.

So yeah, I guess I’m a plumber now.