The Welding Queen

Martha! Just saying her name makes me angry, which is why I should probably stop saying it. Martha.

Ugh! She’s the worst! She keeps saying that she used to date a really good-looking transfer student at her old sküle, and yet I haven’t even heard of this sküle, and now she’s bringing in a bunch of pictures that I’m not even entirely sure are of the same guy and saying that he bought her a yacht, but you can’t see it because it’s winter and he has it stored in his family’s private boathouse down near Lorne.

Apparently he thinks she’s super cool. That, I cannot believe.

Martha doesn’t even LIKE the sea. One time Chelsea brought in a bow rail for show and tell back in primary school, because her dad is a big fishing guy and he was obsessed. Every single week Chelsea would bring in a bow rail, or a fishing rod holder, or a bait board, and her presentation would always be the same: “this is going to go on my dad’s fishing boat. He likes fishing and he wanted me to show you all.”

And every single week, Martha would push her desk back, all dramatic, and say “Eww, I HATE fish, and I HATE the sea, you’re a stupid-head!” Actually, she said that once and got detention, but you could see the look on her face and it was an ‘eww, I hate fish and I hate the sea, you’re a stupid-head’ look.

And now she’s trying to convince everyone that she’s been going on fishing trips galore with her transfer student boyfriend from Uruguay. I’m not even convinced that’s a real place. And look, I just saying, bring in some proof. The deed to this guy’s family fortune. They own a company that does marine welding in Melbourne, for example. A small sack with a portion of their billions of dollars. I will accept cash, after which I’ll accept your wild stories, Martha.